A Reflection of the Last Five Months of My Life

         Over the past semester, I've written essays and blogs that perfectly encapsulate my raw ideas on a subject. Like, when I wrote about The Awakening by Kate Chopin, I decided to share my opinions that literally no one asked for. Not only did the piece reflect my thoughts on it when I first read it, but it still does now. And my other blog about trauma and how it impacts college apps. And the other about Othello sucking as a person. And, as I scroll back to the rest of my past blogs, I still agree with what I've written in almost all of my pieces. It's definitely a little crazy thinking about it, because I always feel completely different when I look back on last year. Hell, I feel like a new person after a week. But, seeing all of my ideas through the past half year and beyond has shown me that while I continue to keep growing physically and emotionally, my opinions continue to stay the exact same: is it because I'm actually always right or does this just prove my father's belief that I never admit I'm wrong? (Between us, I think it's just because I am always right, but don't tell my dad that.)

    Going off this, as much I want to admit I'm going to change like crazy in these next few months leading to graduation to appease myself, I know I probably won't. I think it's because I'm slowly starting to realize that you don't need to be a completely different and unrecognizable person to have actually changed. That's the problem with social expectations and the media. You can't change unless you're a whole different person who went through a series of experiences that changed you for the better. There's no room for anything else. But change can be learning more about things that add to your already developed and concrete beliefs, or it can simply be choosing something different from usual at your favorite restaurant. While I would absolutely love to morph into a completely different person who is fully confident in themselves and is so crazy smart that they don't need to study another day for the rest of their lives over the course of the next semester, I know that probably won't happen, and I'm okay with that.

       What I'm not okay with however, is the lack of nuance I had in my writing. How the freak did I enter senior year writing what I've written in the past (that I like to think is pretty strong) and still lacked to think on a critical level for basic things like in-class essays? I definitely have faced change academically in that area specifically in the past semester (thank god), and plan on working towards developing claims and analysis that I would think is smart from anyone else in this upcoming one. Also, the amount of books I've read last year for the amount of books I've read in the past in a year (183 during 2020 compared to a staggering 20 in 2024) is so low, it's sad (my 13 year-old self would be so disappointed if she knew the real number). So, I guess a goal for myself is making more space for reading in my schedule, cause it's definitely something I love doing, just more so don't have time for. Overall though, I'm content with what I've written and achieved in the first half of the year, because it's proved to me that extreme change (in general, not to English specifically) isn't always necessary.